Finding Your Marker
Reflection
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The practice
Finding a marker is a practice of noticing, and it works best when you give it time. You may find one on the first try or it may take weeks.
- Settle in and slow your breathing. A count of four in and eight out works well for many people
- Let the exhale relax you more each time, including the forehead, face, jaw, and shoulders
- Notice what shows up in your body as it settles. A physical release, like shoulders dropping, is a fine place to start
- Notice any subtler sensations, such as tingling, vibration, lightness, warmth, heaviness, or a quiet sense of calm
- If you find something, stay with it and see if it deepens as you relax further
If you do not find a marker, that is completely fine. This is something to come back to over days and weeks as you notice what tends to show up when you are settled.
Why activation is easier to find
Many people find it much easier to locate activation than regulation. Tightness in the chest, pressure in the head, or a knot in the stomach are loud signals. Settledness is quieter. Noticing what is happening inside the body is called interoception, and it is a skill that improves with practice. A region of the brain called the insula helps with this tracking, and it appears to become more capable as it is used.
If you are new to this, noticing activation is a good place to start. Activation is also not limited to fear. Shame can activate the nervous system in much the same way.
What markers can look like
Markers are personal, and they appear in different places for different people. Some examples that people describe:
- Tingling in the hands, feet, or face
- A lightness or gentle buzzing in the trunk
- Softening of the jaw, forehead, or shoulders
- Warmth or heaviness in the limbs
- A general absence of tension
Purely physical markers, like relaxed shoulders, are a good start. Subtler sensations that you cannot make happen on command often become the most reliable markers over time.
How to use it
Once you know your marker, you can check for it in the middle of daily life, sometimes in less than a second. If it is there, that may be a sign that you have some access to a calm, open state. If it is not, a few slower breaths may bring it back.
A marker does not mean the activation is gone. Most of the time we are some mix of activated and regulated, and the marker can help you hold the activation with more confidence. Many people find that when they glance at their marker during a hard moment, they can think more flexibly about the other person and the situation.
Some places people check for their marker:
- Before speaking up in a class or meeting where you feel unsure about your place
- In the middle of a conversation with a loved one about faith, when it starts getting heated
- While waiting for a call or message you are nervous about
- Before walking into a room where you expect to be activated