Dissonance Practice
Reflection
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The practice
A dissonance practice treats a situation that is likely to activate you as a place to practice regulation. Most of us arrange life to avoid discomfort. This practice is a deliberate, careful step in the other direction. It works well in a situation you already expect, such as a meeting, a family gathering, or a conversation. The steps are:
- Enter with intention. Before the situation, decide that you will treat it as a regulation practice. Intention makes it easier to stay in the role of the observer rather than be swept away.
- Find your anchor. This may be your marker, or something more accessible, like your breath, your feet on the floor, or the feeling of your clothes. Pick a sensation that is easy to return to.
- Let the activation happen. Notice it rising, perhaps as tension in the belly, chest, or shoulders. Some discomfort is part of the practice.
- Remember that you are watching the wave. You are not the wave itself.
- Return to the anchor when you get lifted out. If you notice yourself telling stories, assigning blame, or arguing in your head, that is the signal. Come back to the anchor and breathe. You may be lifted out several times, and each return helps you learn what being lifted out feels like.
- Let the wave complete. Do not force it. It may finish during the situation or after.
- Debrief. Afterward, consider talking with someone you trust about what you noticed in your body, what your mind did, and what it was like to regulate.
Titration and safety
Titration means choosing a situation that activates you enough to be a real challenge, but not so much that you are overwhelmed. It is similar to lifting weights: the right load builds strength, and too much can injure. Choosing a smaller wave first is wise.
This practice is not meant for abusive or unsafe situations. If your emotional or physical safety is at risk, or if the activation becomes too much, leaving is the practice. Never push through to prove something.
Curiosity helps
Coming at the activation with curiosity creates space. You might ask where it is, how high it goes, how long it lasts, and what its temperature is. Many people find that the activation passes more quickly than they expected, and that it gives them more choice about what to do next.
Practicing in imagination
You can build the skill before using it in real life. Choose a mildly uncomfortable memory, nothing traumatic or very dramatic. If the mind wants to jump to the biggest thing, thank it and keep looking for something smaller. Then:
- Settle in with a regulation tool you already like
- Picture the setting and the people in detail until a little activation arises
- Choose an anchor
- Move your attention back and forth between the anchor and the activation. This back and forth is called pendulation, and it lets you approach the activation without being overtaken by it
- If you get swept up in stories, spend more time with the anchor first
- Continue until the wave rises and settles
Where it can lead
In relationships and settings that feel tense, such as a family that sees faith differently or a congregation where you feel less sure of your place, this practice can open options that avoiding them does not. Over time, the activation in a situation may become smaller, which can make it possible to stay in relationships and communities that once felt out of reach. It is a demanding practice, so go at a pace that fits you.